Objective: Everybody wants to say the right thing in a conversation. This could be anywhere from a house party, to an office meeting.
Today we will discuss how to always say the right things in a conversation.
Coaching for social anxiety has taught me that many people suffering from anxiety often worry about finding the right thing to say. Most times, the clients that are the most well spoken, and intelligent run into this problem the most.
Often times, due to an intense fear of being judged or alienated by the peers.
Social anxiety can be a major obstacle to building relationships and connections.
My social anxiety stemmed from an abusive childhood, verbal/emotional abuse. Growing up in poverty made it difficult to treat until later on in life.
The result of struggling to say the right thing, that stemmed from previous abuse/neglect are often not your fault. Fortunately, it is your responsibility to deal with your social anxiety. As unfair as this may sound, accepting responsibility for your problems allows you to move past them.
How Do I Accept Responsibility?
Accepting responsibility means making a conscious effort to improve your situation.
This means talking to somebody that can help deal with your problem. Many colleges have free/subsidized counseling services.
Doing your best to remove yourself from toxic environments if possible.
Mental exercises such as meditation and journaling. Combined with taking care of your physical health to give you the strength to deal with anxiety.
Try activities that you enjoy, and that give earn you a sense of accomplishment. E.g. Singing, exercising, painting, etc.
Stop Trying to Say the Right Thing.
Remember, there are no formulas, or “right words”
The relationships and social life you have has nothing to do with the exact thing you said.
Look at your own life for example. Are your best-friends — the best simply because they are word-smiths? Of course not, they have an energy that you connect with.
Sometimes they may say things you frown upon: “annoying” “negative” “dumb”. Nonetheless, you’re still friends at the end of the day, right?
The personal bond stems from the overall energy you get from them.
Personal connections are formed from the positive energy and attitude you place behind your words when speaking.
Scared of saying the wrong thing?
Saying the wrong thing in a conversation usually does not matter. Why? Because people don’t really remember the exact words spoken in a conversation.
People do not even remember text messages. Don’t believe me? What were the last 3 conversations with the last-friend you spoke to about? Exactly, you probably can’t even remember.
All though you can still remember whether these conversations on a positive note or in hostility(conflict).
My favorite example would be the widely know stand-up comedian Kevin Hart. He does not have the most well-written and thought out jokes. Surprisingly, People gravitate toward him relatively more than wittier comedians.
When you watch any footage of his stand-up comedy, you’ll quickly realize he’s arguably the most energetic and enthusiastic comedians in the world.
What If I don’t want to Say the Wrong Thing?
You dummy! there is no wrong thing to say. The only wrong thing to say is something that you do not believe other people will like. Because it will be difficult to say those words with confidence and enthusiasm.
This often leads to you giving off negative energy and vibe. Then it won’t really matter what you said, and it backfires.
I respect my friends, but I wouldn’t say he is the coolest man I know If I did not believe it. It comes off as ingenuine.
What if I do end up saying the right thing?
I know this is starting to get confusing. Now, sometimes you may say the “right thing”. There are going to be times when saying the “right” thing is possible, and people will appreciate your silver tongue.
This is still not a positive thing. Refusing to be yourself to gain others approval is harmful towards your self.
Self-Esteem is the worth/value we place on ourselves. This trait helps dictate the boundaries we set and opportunities that we allow ourselves to pursue. E.g. applying for that job that is us of your range.
Denying our personal wants and needs because you think that it will do damage to your social well-being is self-sabotaging.
Every time you refuse to say what rings true to your heart, you subconsciously tell yourself that the opinions and philosophies you have, are not worth being heard.
In addition, refusing to be yourself is dangerous. Now, you are saying things that give off a different vibe. People will be drawn to the words you speak, instead of the speaker behind them(you).
The reason being, the words you speak are not aligned with your personality.
Unfortunately, saying the right thing may work. This can become a negative feedback loop for you. This will attract those that love your words but push away potential relationships of those that may like you.
What if I do end up saying the right thing?
Even if you do say the stereotypical “right thing” it builds resentment. The same feeling you got as a kid
e.g. Being forced to apologize when you knew you were in the right or accepting a favor you did not want to do.
Worrying about every word you say is exhausting. In addition, it is inefficient.