It’s like that nagging voice soothing you in the back of your head telling you that if things do get worse you can cut open your wrist and then everything will be okay, but that’s not the worst part. The worst part is you start believing that voice because it’s so comforting. It’s so alluring and it pulls you towards it, and like a small child you follow it.  

The everyday wars you’re fighting in your head seem like nothing compared to that voice vibrating in your mind telling you to let it all fade away.  

The voice echoing in your mind is your greatest friend as well as your greatest enemy. It’s your most aching wound, and your most alluring cure. The voice tampers with your thoughts and it turns you into something you never thought you would be.  

You start becoming that monster you despise and it embraces you and forcibly kisses you and dissolves into you.  

I know that voice very well. It’s caged somewhere in the back of my mind and I’m afraid it will rip through all those barriers and it will take a hold of me. I’m scared because I think I’ll submit to it, because I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of tying it down. Tired of holding back that ocean that so badly wants to drown me. I feel powerless.  

“No. Please no.” I beg that voice calling out to me, telling me that the world is too hard to face. Might as well let it all go. 

That voice in all honesty gets me through the toughest times. What can be worse than death right? Nothing!  

It’s a bad thought but it helps me cope with the panic attacks and the anxiety and the depression. No one understands me except that voice in the back of my head, comforting me, telling me that it’ll all get better.  

You’ll embarrass yourself. It’s okay. Just slit your wrist and it’ll all end.  

You’re failing at life. It’s okay. Swallow those pills.  

Everything is falling apart, don’t worry jump off that bridge.  

No one loves you, but it’s okay to pull that trigger.  

But would dying hurt just as bad as that moment. Would ending everything solve every problem there is. Temporarily yes. And sometimes all it takes is a moment for that switch to flip.  

If you’re in that moment. Take a deep breath. Inhale and then exhale. Think. Talk to someone. Tell them you’re not okay. Talk to me. (ahsia_rinum@hotmail.com) Talk to anyone. Go to the hospital. Do whatever you can to save yourself. It’s okay to feel down. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to ask for help. Please don’t let that voice get to you. Let that positive voice in you roar as loud as a lion, even if it makes everyone deaf. Scream if you have to… but never bow down to your demons. You did not fight a million sperms and push through a hole to throw it all away.  

You can find her book ——->here

Author: A. Rinum

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